Found out that I did not make top 5 in the last round of the short screenplay competition, so I did not advance.
Rules were:
-5 pages
-Genre: Drama
-Setting: Roller coaster
-Must include: Caviar (not just a reference to it, but the actual item)
If you’re curious, here is a link to the screenplay I submitted:
https://luciefrost.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/HASHTAGGED-R.pdf
I’ll add the judges’ feedback (which I absolutely agree with) to the comments, in case you’d like to see it after you read the story.
Lucie Frost says
So here’s the judges’ feedback:
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY:
-It is interesting the nonchalance with which these characters seem to all deal with the harassment issue here. I’m not sure I buy the stakes of this piece or the canning of Adam but I very much like that this is a topic in your work. I just think it could be made to say something more.
-You employed the given genre, location, and object in an effective way. I enjoy that the cast of characters is a motley crew of ride operators – I’m immediately intrigued. The young characters, Adam and Caroline are believably naive and I can understand how a dirtbag like Bernie caused chaos between them.
-Wow, this is a very compelling screenplay. You take on a challenging topic and make a powerful statement about it. You create a strong sense of discomfort during the conversation between Bernie and Adam, and do a good job building it up to the point of revulsion. Your portrayal of the meeting with the HR Manager was very authentic. I liked Ray’s final advice to Adam, “You learn, son. You learn.” You did a great job tackling an important topic with a firm, convincing tone.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
-I have to admit that this piece is not all that dramatic. I would have some sort of grander confrontation or a bigger build-up to the confrontation that exists so that we have some actual element of drama. This just seems rather low-stake, slice-of-life-style work. Slice-of-life is good but not what this genre is about…unless it is a slice of drama in life.
-How does Adam get canned over something that hearsay? Was Bernie brought in to be questioned? Laughing is not the same thing as acting. Actions speak louder than words and words speak louder than a tentative laugh. There are gradations of punishment for this sort of thing and I would have loved to have seen the reality of that in this drama.
-Sexual harassment is a very complex and difficult topic to convey. Bernie, for instance, doesn’t come across as the most believable character – he’s a bit of a caricature. Those kind of men surely exist, but giving an antagonist a likable or relatable quality can make them more dynamic and feel real. The way this all plays out feels a bit like an after school special; it goes from the silly caviar joke to HR to Adam getting escorted out. I would’ve enjoyed a bit more nuance in the story.
-I liked Ray’s final statement, but found it difficult to gauge his tone and opinion, especially when he says Adam got “hashtagged”. I found it a little difficult to sense his meaning, as #MeToo is about victims, so it seemed that he might be implying that Adam was a victim. His later comments about “they’ll get ya” implied that his concern was more about getting caught than about appropriate behavior. I would have liked to have been given a stronger sense of his disgust at Adam and Bernie’s behavior.
-I wondered why Rebecca didn’t mention Bernie in her conversation with Adam. She clearly knew the conversation was with Bernie, as Bernie was the person who told Caroline. Could she maybe have told Adam at the end that Bernie was also fired? Or could Ray tell him?
Tracey Lloyd says
It must be the season for performance pieces not making it through. I just had one that missed out. Oh well if we don’t submit we never know. I really liked your piece.
Lucie Frost says
Thanks, Tracey! Always fun to write pieces, even if they don’t make it through.
Kim says
I thought it was believable that young Adam was scared to go against Bernie in person or in the HR office. The whole point of the story was to show how someone young and inexperienced could get “trapped” in the middle of a sexual harassment issue without truly being a bad guy, lots of shades of gray. I liked it Lucie and was there with those characters.
Lucie Frost says
Thanks. It’s hard because they’re short screenplays, so there’s no space to do all of the things you’d like to.
But when I read the pieces that won, well, they figured it out.