Dear Lucie,
You know I love you. And this is the best family I’ve ever had, really. But there are a few things you could be doing that would make me love you even more.
You know how in the morning you like to shower? And how I sit on the mat right outside the shower door looking at you longingly? That’s because — one, I want to be closer to you, and you’re fucking shutting me out — and two, I like water, and you fucking know that. So please, either stop it with the showers, or let me in, for God’s sake.
And another morning thing. When I wake up and start click-clacking back and forth on the hardwood floors, it means I want breakfast. You know how you lie still and pretend to be asleep, hoping I’ll give up? I’m not a one-year-old baby who will fall for that shit. I’m on to you, and it’s getting annoying. Wake the fuck up.
Another thing. You always shush me when I bark at the mailman. I hate the mailman. He tiptoes up to the house, so I don’t even know he’s coming, and then he slams the mailbox shut, scaring the shit out of me. So yes, I’m going to bark. Please understand that.
Also, that lady who lives a block over and always calls me her fur baby? I’m not hers, I’m yours. I’m not a baby, I’m a dog. I’m not even a baby dog, but a grown ass canine. Please. Make. Her. Stop.
And now on to something I shouldn’t even have to explain. When I roll over on my back, stretch my legs in the air, and stick out my tummy, it means I want my belly rubbed. I don’t want to lie there like that and have you do nothing. It’s like someone trying to give you a high five, and you leave them hanging. It’s not how it’s done. You slap their hand. You rub my belly.
One more thing — the heart worm pill. So imagine this. You’re eating a grilled cheese sandwich, and you bite in to a dime-sized rock. Are you going to notice? Hell yeah, you’re going to notice. So when you hide the heart worm pill in the cheese, it’s not like I don’t know it’s there. I feel things in my mouth, just like you. So just make it easy on the both of us and give me the cheese without the pill. I’m going to spit it out when you’re not looking anyway.
Finally, and I know this is an age-old complaint with dogs, but the vacuum. Good God, the vacuum. We have concrete floors. Have you not heard of Swiffers?
So that’s really it. Thanks for hearing me out.
And don’t forget, I love you. I really, really love you.
Miley
Elaine says
Love
Lucie Frost says
Glad you liked it.
Deborah Moore says
“WOOF!” – Pip
“WOOF WOOF!” – Junie
“WOOF WOOF WOOF!” – Little Buddy
“WOOF WOOF OWOOOOO!” – Squeeners with toy in mouth
“OWOOOOOOOOOOO!” – Mr Bee
“OW OW OW OWOOOOOOOOOO!!!” (in unison) – all of the above.
My guys are a wee bit less literate than yours. 🙂
Lucie Frost says
Ha! Mine was raised with a mouthy family.
Richard says
You know this is my favorite thing ever. So true.
Lucie Frost says
Awwww.