It Was Oogly

Microfiction challenge done! But man, it wasn’t pretty.

Remember how I said the two genres I didn’t want to draw were sci-fi and historical fiction? Yup. I got historical fiction.

I showed my first attempt to Rich. He said, “Ummm, this isn’t even fiction.” (except he was nicer about it than that).

I penned a new story, and Rich said, “Not sure this counts as historical?” But I used that one anyway, because by that time, I was kinda over it.

I convinced Rich to enter too, and of course, his story was much better than mine. He drew “ghost story”, which is fun.

Just signed up for the short screenplay challenge, so you know how I’ll be spending next weekend.

11/20 UPDATE:
As predicted, I did NOT advance to the next round.
I said I’d post the piece once able, so here it is.

The parameters:
-24 hours to write
-250 words
-Genre: Historical fiction
-Required action: Signing a document
-Required word: Flame (or any word including “f-l-a-m-e” in it)

BEHIND THE FENCE

The Japs stole Joe’s ball field. Joe hated Japs. 

On Saturdays, Joe and his friends biked to Fort Sam Houston. There, Joe was Joe DiMaggio, and Ed was Ted Williams, and each took turns picking teams. Pick quick, play more.

Until one day, there was a fence around the field. Then tents, then guard towers, then Japs. 

Joe and the gang rode over to gawk at the internment camp. A Japanese boy was standing by one of the tents. The boys lured him to the fence with a Double Play baseball card. Then they sing-songed made-up Japanese at him. 

The boy ran back to the tent. 

“Chickkkkkken!” the boys yelled.

The boy came back out of the tent, holding a baseball card. “Wait!” he yelled. 

“Shoeless Joe. Wow. Can I have it?” Joe asked. 

“Yeah, sure,” the boy said.

“Where’d you learn English?” Joe asked. 

“School, I guess. I’m from Louisiana.” 

“I thought you were a Jap?” Joe asked.

“My father’s Japanese. I’m American.”

Joe glared at the boy, eyes aflame. “Liar!  You’re a lying Jap!” Joe yelled, then ripped Shoeless Joe in two and ran back to his friends.

Joe would have liked to re-play that day. “Hey Michael, I’m Joe,” he’d say, then visit Michael often, bringing baseball cards and gum. 

Right before Joe died, he signed his will, leaving everything to his young son. Then Joe asked God to forgive him, and to make his son a kinder boy than he had been. 

But God was busy.

11/21 UPDATE:

I received back today comments from the judges on the piece above.

What the judges liked about the story:
-The narrative in this story started out strong and continued throughout. It sounded authentic to a young boy of this era. Great job working the required elements into this story.
-I think this was a really timely subject matter to choose, and I think you did a great job at showing two sides to the story. The way you portrayed the ignorant racism of the young boys felt very realistic.
-The story has an interesting premise, a good amount of conflict, and a strong sense of voice. Realistic dialogue and interactions among the children helps to paint the picture in the reader’s mind.

What the judges feel needs work:
-This is an emotional subject, but there wasn’t a lot of emotion in the story. I wanted to feel the guilt and the hurt because that would support the final lines better. Also, I would reconsider the last line about God being busy because its implications would lead into another story, giving this one an unfinished feel.
-I was a little miffed at the significance of the ending. You hadn’t mentioned the name of the Japanese boy before, and the line about God being busy didn’t really feel like it fit in. I would play around with re-working this section.
-The story’s climax is not quite developed enough for the resolution to make complete sense. What makes Joe regret his behavior that day? There should be a moment that motivates that change. For example, he might meet a Japanese soldier, witness some atrocity at the camp, or as an adult befriend a Japanese person.