I know you’ve been busy, so you probably haven’t had a chance to read Bill Taylor’s opening statement to the impeachment investigators. Helping you out here with a summary.
So it’s not an exact summary, but it’s close (seriously!), and adds cursing.
Oh, and Rich says all the cursing is off-putting, so you’re forewarned.
Opening Statement of
Ambassador-Lite-But-Only-Interim Bill Taylor,
October 22, 2019
Yo, Chairman. Thanks for the invite.
As you know, I’ve served this country honorably. For fifty years. Then Trump asked me to take this shit job, and now I’m stuck talking to you. But whatever. Here’s what happened.
May 28: Secretary of State Mike Pompeo asked me to lead the U.S. Embassy in Ukraine. Ukraine has a new anti-corruption president (Zelensky) and is at war with Russia, so big times. I’d done the job before, and Ukraine is kinda my gig, so yeah, tempting.
But, and this is a big but, I knew it was a suck job.
So I asked my wife. She said “Heeeeeell, no”, so I took the job.
But first, I talked to Pompeo. I told him I was in, but only if the U.S. was gonna be a strong Ukraine supporter. Mike said “Suuuuuure”, which was exactly what I wanted to hear.
June 17: I get to Ukraine and soon realize something’s fishy.
Ukraine is my job, right?
But then I find out that these other guys are all in my shit — Ambassador to the E.U. Gordon Sondland (reminder: Ukraine isn’t in the fucking E.U.), Secretary of Energy Rick Perry (the “I would get rid of three agencies. Commerce, Education, and damned if I can remember the third one. Oops!” guy), Kurt Volker (who is some sort of citizen-volunteer “special envoy” to Ukraine, whatever that means), and Rudy Giuliani (yeah).
June 28: So we’re gonna have this phone call with President Zelensky.
We’re about to patch him in when Sondland says “Hey everybody. Whatever you do, don’t record this call. And good God, don’t take notes”.
And I know I’m definitely gonna take notes now.
They conference Zelensky in, we talk about energy and stuff, and Zelensky closes with, “Hey, Donald invited me to the White House. Can’t wait to see y’all there!”
July 10: Trump and Zelensky were supposed to chat about Zelensky’s visit.
I talk to Zelensky’s guys on the 10th, and they’re all like “Rudy told us that call’s not going to happen. WTF?”
I’m all like, “I dunno.”
July 18: OMB – the money people – say Trump put a hold on the assistance money we send to Ukraine to fight the Russians.
I’m thinking, “Can he even do that?”
After the call, we all run around like chickens trying to figure out what’s happening.
DOD does a study in one day concluding, “Well yeeeeah. Ukraine should get this money.”
Then everybody tries to meet with the President, but he’s “busy”. Yeah, right.
July 19: Fiona Hill (a Europe and Russian Affairs director person) and Alexander Vindman (who has some job kinda similar to hers, I’m not quite sure) tell me,
“Hey, guess what? Rick Perry (you know, the one who had a hunting camp named N*head? Yeah, that guy) and Sondland had a meeting with Ukrainian officials back on July 10th, and you weren’t invited. And guess what? Sondland told them Zelensky is dis-invited to the White House. Unlesssssss Zelensky wants to announce that Ukraine is investigating:
(1) whether it was really Ukraine and not Russia that had their paws in the 2016 election (maybe Donald Trump isn’t a Russian puppet after all!), and
(2) the Bidens (maybe Biden is a bad guy, so the American people should stick with the evil they know!).”
Fiona and Alex tell me that National Security Advisor John Bolton was at that meeting and freaked. He told Fiona “What is this a drug deal? Call in the lawyers”.
July 20: Anyhow, Volker and Sondland WhatsApp me (super safe way to communicate).
They’re like, “Hey, Trump’s gonna talk to Zelensky soon. Will you make sure that Zelensky tells him that he’s in for the investigations?”
Huh?!?
So I call Sondland. “What the hell, dude?”
He goes, “Tell Zelensky to use these exact words with Trump, ‘I will leave no stone unturned on the investigations.’”
So I talk to one of Zelensky’s guys that same day. He’s like, “Zelensky ain’t Trump’s bitch. He’s not getting involved in your election shit.”
July 25: Trump and Zelensky talk, but no one tells me what they said.
On July 28, Fiona’s replacement, Tim Morrison, tells me, “Ummmm. The call could’ve gone better. Trump told Zelensky he needs to meet with Rudy and Attorney General Barr.”
Ohhhh, shit.
August 16: Volker tells me Ukraine is asking the U.S. to put the request for the investigations in writing. Well yeah. They’re not stupid.
I tell Sondland, “Dude, let’s steer clear. Shit’s gonna go down.”
August 22: I had been calling around to figure out what was up with the assistance money. Finally, Morrison tells me that Trump doesn’t want to give them money.
“I told Pompeo I wouldn’t do this job if I had to put up with this sort of bullshit. I’m outta here”, I thought.
August 27: Bolton comes to Ukraine and meets with Zelensky. After that meeting, I ask Bolton about the assistance money.
He tells me to take it up with Pompeo, which I do. I used strong language too (and I don’t regret it), telling Pompeo withholding assistance was “folly”. No response.
August 29: Politico publishes a story about the withholding of money, and Ukraine obviously reads Politico like the rest of us, because Zelensky’s guy calls me right up and asks what the hell.
God, I was embarrassed.
September 1: Zelensky’s gonna meet with Pence, so I call Zelensky’s guys and warn them they better get something done with Pence, because the money goes away on September 30, the end of the fiscal year.
Later, I talk to Morrison to find out how things went with Pence. Apparently okay, but then Morrison tells me that Sondland told one of Zelensky’s guys “No Biden investigation = no security assistance.”
So I text Sondland. “Is that shit true? Are we conditioning US security assistance on investigations?”
Sondland replies, “Don’t put that shit in a text, asshole. Fucking call me.”
So I do, and Sondland says “Yeah. Trump wants a public statement that Ukraine is investigating the Bidens and Russia’s ‘fake news’ 2016 election interference.
I’m like, “Dude, tell Trump to fuck himself”.
And Sondland’s like, “Yeah, I’ll talk to him.”
September 5: Two Senators come to Ukraine. We meet with Zelensky.
Zelensky’s asking about the assistance, and they’re like, “You need both D and R support for your money. Don’t you go getting sucked in to U.S. elections.”
September 8: Sondland tells me that per Trump, Zelensky himself must announce the investigations – on CNN, no less. But no, no, no, it’s not’s a quid pro quo, just a “stalemate”.
Sondland says Trump is a business man, and in business, you don’t pay someone if there’s something they still owe you, which is bullshit because Ukraine doesn’t owe us shit.
**
At this point, I know I need to cover my ass. I start texting Sondland and Volker saying “I’m not in on this bullshit”.
**
So that’s about it.
In closing: (1) this shit is dirty, and (2) Ukraine is a good place, y’all. Let’s be nice to them, can we?
Any questions?
Love it cuzin Lucie!!! I completely understand what went down now. No kidding, you gave me the down low in a most amusing manner.